As I sat on my comfortable couch, listening to music on the radio and watching the sunset, some reflections of my past dawned on me. Some things that started coming clear to me.
I remember my yoga practice in early 1998. It felt really good to practice and learn to be in my body, but I wasn’t necessarily being kind to myself. I wasn’t practicing ‘metta’ or loving-kindness towards myself. Although my practice felt very spiritual, I also felt that I was literally bullying myself. I wasn’t practicing ‘ahimsa’ or non-violence. I was pushing my body really hard and I wasn’t speaking to myself kindly at all.
And it really makes sense to me right now in my life.
In the past, I was attracting friends and boyfriends who would speak to me harshly. At that time i felt like a victim. Like why me? I am so nice to him or She’s my friend and I always help her, why is she always yelling at me like that? I now realize that I was attracting these over bearing types because I was not speaking to myself nicely- so therefore no one else knew how to talk to me. Like Wayne Dyer said ‘You attract what you are.’
As my practice has deepened- especially over the last 11 years- I have awakened to some of those old habits. The more I awaken- the more I get challenged by those personalities. The challenge isn’t that it is necessarily stressful, but rather its strengthened my ability to create better boundaries where I once had none. I have learned the motto ‘Saying NO to you is saying YES to me.’
How powerful is that? Pretty powerful. It gives me permission to own what I need to own and create boundaries where I once didn’t know how.
I am also super awake to gossip. I am a girl so therefore I have definitely been on both sides. Thankfully I am awake to this and have been for awhile. The truth is it’s toxic. I don’t really see the point of mature women sitting at a coffee shop sipping away as they twirl their hair and talk smack about the women they call a dear friend. Regardless as to whether they are a dear friend or a woman in the community, I don’t see the point. I understand women need each other to support and listen to real life drama and it can result in saying ‘Oh she is so……’ I get it. I’ve said it myself, but their comes a time when it starts to get nasty and toxic. I was at a yoga party and someone I once had an immature run in with stood 10 feet away from me within the crowd as she whispered to her husband while pointing the finger towards me. I stood there and couldn’t believe it, but as I stood there I became stronger and more integrated in my truth. I wasn’t a victim of her gossip- I was the character in her dream revealing to her who she is and who she isn’t conscious of. I felt kind of bad for her in a way. She was unconscious to her own light and stuck in her own darkness. I was also aware of my part and my own shadow side. I felt that being able to face my own darkness was a revelation of my own inner light.
I recently saw the quote ‘What Sally says about Susie says more about Sally than it does Susie.’ I changed Susie to me and it made sense. I could’ve switched it around the other way and it would’ve still made sense. Gossip is toxic. It’s like feeding yourself poison and waiting for the other person to die. Why gossip? What you say impacts your reality. Like Wayne Dyer said, ‘You attract who you are.’ Instead of gossiping walk away and sit on a bench or a cushion and contemplate on what it is and why this person bothers you. As you sit there inhaling, discover the shadow side of it. As you exhale, let the drama go. ‘Aint nobody got time for that…..’
As I finished reflecting on the awakenings that I have had throughout the years, I began to write this final sentence.
‘Being awake isn’t always a field of roses. You’ve got to be willing to feel the thorns in order to pick the roses. They are both part of the same seed.’