I spent years in my 20’s and early 30’s applying and interviewing at jobs that didn’t align with my deepest desires. I’d apply to these jobs only because I felt the pressure to make a ton of money because that’s what I thought was expected of me. I felt like I was supposed to live in a certain type of house, with a certain type of car in a certain neighborhood. That was my perception at the time. I struggled in the waiting room of each interview because wearing a polyester based suite with a crispy white blouse underneath felt uncomfortable and unnatural to my deepest desires. I’d hold the resume in my hand and I’d clench it while muttering my mantra under my tongue. My mantra at that time was ‘Please don’t ever take my passions away from me.’ I realized I was muttering this because I couldn’t stand the thought of thinking that if I got the job that I was interviewing for, it would somehow take away my passions. That I’d get so stressed out from the pressure of work that all of my desires would be erased and I would end up a miserable old person. My 20 something mind couldn’t imagine my 40 year old self without the passions that I had discovered and realized were part of my journey in this life.
I was great at interviewing because I was able to look the person who was interviewing me in the eye. I was able to be composed and personable in my relations. My people skills always dominated my word processing and excel skills and in some cases it would land me an entry level position. The time would come where I’d have to make the decision as to which path I wanted to take. I always seemed to choose to back out. I’d think of an excuse as to why I didn’t want the job and of course with that energy I wouldn’t end up getting it. My energy never aligned with it. Then I’d beat myself up and sulk because I’d feel “not good enough.”
I spent a lot of years working mindless retail jobs just so I could eventually get to the place that I wanted to be. Of course those mindless jobs didn’t buy me the things I thought I was supposed to have. Instead, they bought me space. Space to explore my deepest desires. Space to really find myself. Space to realize that there was a place for me. Even though I mostly despised those mindless retail jobs, I’m grateful for the space it gave me on my days off. I’m now a 40 something woman living the life I dreamed of in my 20’s. My house might not be as big and my car not as fancy, but I’m where I want to be. I’m not uncomfortable underneath my clothes. I’m free. Looking back and All those years have paid off.
Now I’m sitting in my yoga room filled with the same passions and more. I’m not clenching and I’m not afraid.